⋆｡°✩ Favorite Songs of August!

 ⋆ ♫｡ Song of the Week ˚♬ ﾟ⋆

Maggots for Brains 

- Olivia Rodrigo

Listed as track number 4 on Olivia Rodrigo's third album, You Seem Pretty Sad for a Girl So in Love,  Maggots for Brains introduces the upcoming reoccurring themes of co-dependency and "head over heels" lovesickness expressed throughout the album. At an all time high of infatuation with a partner or love interest, at the same time causing one of the lowest lows one can feel, described as "being practically catatonic and unable to function properly without her partner..."

Which, at the risk of embarrassing even myself with the admission, is an experience I know all too well. It's one of those feelings I couldn't possibly wish upon even my own worst enemy. 

Maggots for Brains opens up with a pretty self explanatory verse, letting the listener know we're probably going to be relating on some level to this song. A connection with another person, that has reached the level of feeling like we need the other person all the time. 

"My day was so mundane, I don't think I left the house

Drank a pot of coffee, tried to write, nothing came out"

As a creative, this obsession may become our inspiration to create. To write, to sing, to draw. Without them, we reach an art block, unable to create without our muse.

" I'm a zombie in my body, I'm a train off of the track

I feel dirty, I feel rotten, and the colors are all flat

I'm a sad shell of a woman and I've got maggots for brains

But that's just the thing that happens when my

When my baby goes away "

It comes to the point that when we are not with them, we lose parts of ourselves. We become a shell of what we were before. Wondering how we even managed to exist before meeting this person. Functioning by ourselves is no longer something we feel we can do. We lose the energy, the motivation to do even the simplest of things if it's not with them.

"And sometimes, at a low point, I even wish for a tragedy

'Causе I know he'd come over and takе real good care of me "

Venturing out into a part of growing up for some, especially for children of neglect (emotional, physical, mental), is something we don't really talk about often for fear of shame. A wish that something bad might happen to us, that way we would hopefully get the attention of those who should be giving it to us. Some act out early in their childhood, getting into trouble or getting in a situation that might cause harm to them so that the adults meant to care for them might finally pay attention. A cry for help.

While this song might not be delving that deep, at least into that experience in childhood, it still touches on the intrusive thoughts of "would they care if something bad happened to me?"

" What can I do

But think of you? "

Maggots for Brains is still in the first half of the album, where we are still in the "lovesick" phase, and convincing ourselves that this is normal. This isn't limerence, this is love. It's just part of the "ups and downs" of love, surely. It's normal to feel this way, this intensely, to the point of a depressive phase when we're away from this person. Right? 

You Seem Pretty Sad For A Girl So In Love does an amazing job at portraying the rollercoaster of emotions that is love, or what we think is love in the moment. Starting off strong with head over heels love songs, slowly giving way to the harshest truths we don't like to confess or even think about, expressed in The Cure. This isn't love, this is obsession. And the longer we desperately try to hold onto this connection, we get worse. 

Our emotional state deteriorates, we can't function the same as before. We realize us holding on isn't helping, this connection with this person turns bitter. This person, or more this unhealthy attachment, is the problem, discussed in What's Wrong With Me. Our self confidence is nearly gone. Only in songs like Expectations are pulled back up, we're back at a high but it's different this time. We are free, we're more hopeful. We're raising our standards, we won't let that horrid attachment happen again.

At least, we tell ourselves that.

⋆｡°✩ Out of Town

We went out to Santa Maria today, to visit my mom's grandpa. One of his sons passed away apparently recently, and I hear he's been taking it pretty hard. So we went to spent time with him and offer some emotional support. Before that though, we had lunch at the cemetery, where my mom's dad and grandma are buries. My mom's aunt Denise visited there too, and she was talking for a longgg time. We don't see her often, but when we do, she certainly talks a lot. She was catching my mom up with general family business, talking bout making and adjusting wills.

On the 12th, we'll be heading back out to Santa Maria again. It will be a "funeral service"/ celebration of life for the one who passed away. I hear it might be Hot Wheels themed? Apparently, the guy loved Hot Wheels. We might bring some kind of food or drink when we go, I'm not entirely sure 

We went to the beach after and got cinnamon rolls. My option was "maple bacon" and it surprisingly was kinda good!

. ݁₊⊹.📽 Movie Review: The Crush (1993)

The Crush (1993)

˖ ࣪⊹๋࣭ ⭑ Genre: thriller, drama

0.5 / 5 ⯪☆☆☆☆ 

" If you were 10 years older... "

 Yeah, lock this guy up. 

Stopped watching probably not even a full halfway through cause I found out Alicia Silverstein was actually 15 years old during filming, kissing a 30 year old Cary Elwes.

Having a child kiss a 30 year old, and have 2 shots showing off her body in a bikini/swimsuit, is insane and this movie never should have been made. 

There's a way to show a teen having an obsession or crush in an adult without sexually exploiting the actual teen and showing her naked on screen. 

I'm not watching this pedophile slop.

Apparently, it was a body double used for the nude shots. But still, my point stands. It's weird as hell.

Tags: 𖤐⭒๋࣭ ⭑ myself , ⋆✴︎˚｡⋆ dnf 

⋆｡°✩ My Video Interview

Oh my gosh, I feel like I just completely botched my first interview. It allowed me to check my video and audio before the interview started, and it looked good. But then when I answered the first question, I replayed my video answer, and the audio and video kept randomly cutting!!

And the website said "make sure to check your video answer so it's all good before submitting," but there wasn't really any point in that since we only get one chance at the recording. We can't retake it anyway! So I kind of just speedran through it haha, I gave up on rechecking the video before submitting it. But I did try my best!! 

Maybe not on the fashion trend question, though. All I've seen on the internet was "a fashion trend you like and how you'd sell it," but the question in the interview was pertaining to a brand item!! I don't shop at abercrombie!! I don't know!! So I lowkey bullshitted my way through a stupid "jeans are my favorite of yours, they go with anything and anyone!"

I just hope I get the job, I mean my videos and their responses can't be the worst out there, right?

. ݁₊⊹.📽 Movie Review: 2 Big to Rig

2 Big to Rig (2026)

˖ ࣪⊹๋࣭ ⭑ Genre: music, documentary

5 / 5 ★★★★★

" We've got to locate and tickle your taints!!! "

I just watched 2 ghouls, Cirrus and Dewdrop, make love on stage to the lighting of the bisexual flag.

I wasn't a huge fan of the visual effect during rats, with how it kept cutting out, idk how that got greenlit, much less included in the movie.

I felt this one had less closeup shots on Papa and the ghouls than the last movie did, but I still very much enjoyed this.

Umbra and Cirice were definitely a highlight for me, as well as Satan Prayer. Loved seeing Aurora play cowbell, and the Cirrus/Dew instrumental love-fight.

A little bummed we still haven't seen much of Perpetua's personality, even in the movie but I knew from the beginning this one wasn't going to have much lore to it. Also a little sad From the Pinnacle to the Pit and Darkness at the Heart of my Love weren't included either.

Otherwise, this was a very enjoyable watch, as someone who wasn't able to go to Skeletour in person.

" Mwa? "

Tags: 𖤐⭒๋࣭ ⭑ myself , ✼༶・ﾟ theater

⋆｡°✩ First Interview!!

Guyssss I just received an email from Abercrombie that they want a video interview from me! I'm so excited, and scared, because this is my first ever interview. I hadn't heard from any other of the places I've applied to in all this past year, this is the first one! I have to get it done within 72 hours, so I will try to get to it tomorrow after I go to the movies.

And yes, I'm going to the movies tomorrow! I'll be seeing 2 Big To Rig, the second movie by the band Ghost. Super excited for that as well, I'll definitely be reporting back here when I've watched that!

If I do this interview right, I'll hopefully either land the job in my last month of being 18, or I'll have a job by the time I turn 19! Wish me luck!!

. ݁₊⊹.📽 Movie Review: The Virgin Suicides (1999)

The Virgin Suicides (1999)

˖ ࣪⊹๋࣭ ⭑ Genre: romance, drama

2 / 5 ★★☆☆☆

So I spent like 30 minutes trying to find any possible version of this movie to watch with subtitles, that weren't insanely delayed, before finally being able to watch this movie. And let me tell you.

It was not worth it at all.

We have a bunch of boys wanting to feel up a group of sisters, that of which obviously just want to live their lives as normal teenage girls. We have a guy who pursues a girl, finally has sex with her, and then leaves her all alone in a field. This guy then, years later too, acts like he was in some special sort of love with her when he was the one who ditched her.

And parents who proceed to lock their daughters up in their house, give up the music records one of them holds dearly, cutting off all social life and hope for the future. Parents who get told being trapped is "suffocating." And then they wonder why all their daughters killed themselves.

And then that same group of boys insisting they loved these girls, when their last words before realizing they were dead was "if I can just feel up one of those girls."

Also the tree they cut down was still there in the following time-lapse scene?

The only good thing I can say about this movie was the music aspects, the "flashbacks" cinematography, and the warm color scheme being pleasing to my eyes. Otherwise, I'm very disappointed with this.

Tags: 𖤐⭒๋࣭ ⭑ myself

 ⋆ ♫｡ Song of the Week ˚♬ ﾟ⋆

Tonight, Tonight 

- The Smashing Pumpkins

The Smashing Pumpkins is probably a household name, and has been for 3 decades now. Just about everyone and their mom has heard them, with our parents being the ones who really grew up on the band. Like mine! The Smashing Pumpkins is noted as a classic rock band, one of which has influenced too many artists to count! To name at least one, My Chemical Romance. Yes, Gerard Way admires and looks strikingly similar to his idol, Billy Corgan!

Most known of them, though, is their 1995 album, Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness. Now I haven't ever gotten around to fully listening to this album (I'm very slow to getting around to things), but for what I have heard of it, it's pretty good. My mother actually owns the deluxe edition cd! 

Our focus this week though, is the second track on this album, Tonight, Tonight. Not a whole lot is known specifically about the lyrics' meanings, but Tonight, Tonight is one of those songs anyone can dive right into. One of which, I'd say, encourages personal attachment, and most of all, hope. Hope for progress, hope for change.

" Time is never time at all

You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth

And our lives are forever changed "

Some may interpret these opening lines as youth being the price of time. As time passes on, our lives gradually change in differing ways. As we grow old, the innocence residing in our youth leaves. As well as one's usage of this time passing, "Some people wish to rid themselves of their past. For those people, time is an escape, a waiting game. Wait out your pain long enough, and you are promised salvation in the form of old age and worse remembrance. For those people, time is but a mechanism to move on..."

" The more you change, the less you feel "

Some say this is alluding to someone changing themselves to conform to society, in whatever ways those might be. In a way, we all do it. Whether it be major physical transformations, subtle, or even personal mannerisms. Through that, I think some of us may lose a bit of ourselves the more we change to fit some sort of standard or expectation. We lose sight of what we actually like, what we feel, what we want for ourselves. The more you change in this way, the less you feel like your own person. 

This can also allude to physical change as we grow older, our minds mature. We no longer are as motivated to action by our emotions, not as much as we did when we were younger. A child, a teenager, a new adult. We will always behave differently, hopefully most of us become more aware of ourselves and our emotions, as well as how to regulate that. We don't ever exactly stop feeling all together, but we don't feel as deeply towards certain things as we grow older.

" Believe, believe in me

That life can change, that you're not stuck in vain

We're not the same, we're different "

The topic of "can people really change?" has been a long-time standing question for much much longer than you and I have been alive. Everyone has their own answer to this question, and Billy Corgan here seems to believe that yes, people can change. And I would agree. You and I are not the same person we were 10 years ago, I'm not even the same exact person I was a year ago. Some things within us stay the same, others don't. 

You are not expected to remain the same. Tonight, Tonight holds out hope that everyone can change for the better. It's only a matter of if that person so chooses to put in the work to do so. Acknowledging what needs to change, taking the necessary steps. At the end of the day, everyone is different. Our bodies, our looks, our minds, our feelings. And so everyone has different journeys of self discovery, realization, self-help. 

Unfortunately, not everyone will look within themselves and acknowledge what needs to change. Maybe they do, but not everyone wants to put in the effort. Some people like being stuck in their ways, and that is a choice they make for themselves. The potential resides in everyone, it's only dependent on whether they realize it and make the change, or not.

" And you know you're never sure

But you're sure you could be right

If you held yourself up to the light "

We speak of self doubt, again bringing back the burning question, "Can I really change?" In this same verse, we see all we need is faith. Faith in yourself, you have to believe. Believe in yourself that you can change. When no one else does, it's crucial that you support yourself. Redemption is possible if you only test yourself and pull yourself back up and towards a new beginning.

" And the embers never fade

In your city by the lake

The place where you were born "

A sweet, nostalgic, and personal segment for our singer, Billy Corgan, reminiscing on his Chicago hometown. I love these lines, it's a sentiment that can rest deep within many people, looking back on the places that they grew up in.

" We'll crucify the insincere tonight, tonight

We'll make things right

We'll feel it all tonight, tonight "

"The 'insincere' represents the opposite of truth, justice, and all that is right. To believe in ourselves and each other, a staple of the lyrical content, implies that we acknowledge the fact that, at the core, we all carry a light of truth and rightness, thereby 'Crucify[ing] the insincere...' "

" We'll find a way to offer up the night, tonight

The indescribable moments of your life, tonight

The impossible is possible tonight, tonight

Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight..."

Ending with a burst of energy, simmering down into a soft sort of ballad, our singer speaks for us with words of hope for change. Asking for us to believe in him, just as he has expressed belief in you and your future. All the big moments in your life, all the moments yet to come. 

Believe that you, and the others around you, can change. Believe that whatever rut you may find yourself in, it will pass. The passage of time can be cruel, but it can also bring upon great things. 

We are constantly moving, take the time to cherish the current moment. We are constantly changing, look within yourself and ask what you truly want out of life. 

Your life is not stuck in one spot, in one moment. Believe and have hope that you still have things to live for. 

⋆｡°✩ A Year

TW: venting (obvi), grooming (not explicitly stated, but yknow)

So it's been a year since he went to jail, the 12th of August marks that. And maybe that's why I have been thinking about it all lately. I mean, not that I just forget or never think about it. Because I do, everyday. I'm reminded of it everyday, in some shape or form. It just doesn't leave me. I don't think I won't think about it for a long time. 

. ݁₊⊹.📽 Movie Review: Hancock (2008)

Hancock (2008)

˖ ࣪⊹๋࣭ ⭑ Genre: fantasy, action

3.5 / 5 ★★★⯪☆

I'm not usually a fan of superhero type movies, but this was fun. Major "siblings or dating?" vibes in the middle of the movie, before the explanation. Pretty sweet, doomed lover vibe.

"Super Snowbunny"

Tags: ☽༓･˚⁺ friends

. ݁₊⊹.📽 Movie Review: People We Meet on Vacation (2026)

People We Meet on Vacation (2026)

˖ ࣪⊹๋࣭ ⭑ Genre: comedy, romance

2 / 5 ★★☆☆☆

They didn't even meet on vacation, were emotionally cheating on their partners with their " best friend/love of their lives," and they're both extremely annoying. Alex is only slightly better than me, I couldn't do a week with this lady. And if I were Sarah, I would have ended up on the news because of these two.

Tags: ☽༓･˚⁺ friends

. ݁₊⊹.📽 Movie Review: Tropic Thunder (2008)

Tropic Thunder (2008)

˖ ࣪⊹๋࣭ ⭑ Genre: war, comedy, action

2 / 5 ★★☆☆☆

Halfway through, the most interesting part was the "previews." The absurdity landed, peaked even, right at the beginning and then very much continued to fall flat. And it's not just my not being a fan of war movies, I can do offensive humor sometimes, just not when it tries so hard that none of the jokes land. I can, however, appreciate it's critique of method actors and aggressive men trying to one up each other. But even that gets blended in amongst the mediocre "let's just say the r-slur a million times, make Robert Downy Junior look and act like a black man, and make sex jokes in the jungle" jokes. Just not my tea, won't be finishing.

Tags: ☽༓･˚⁺ friends , ⋆✴︎˚｡⋆ dnf 

. ݁₊⊹.📽 Movie Review: Bring Her Back (2025)

Bring Her Back (2025)

˖ ࣪⊹๋࣭ ⭑ Genre: horror

4 / 5 ★★★★☆

If I were getting set up and gaslit like this by my parental guardian, using my trauma and dead dad, I would have crashed out harder than this guy did. The car scene was crazy, I felt bad for that lady. her phone case and cardigan were matching her car :(

I wanted the main lady to get eaten, but I can appreciate how it ended, with the hope of recovery for both the blind girl and the bald boy.

Tags: ☽༓･˚⁺ friends

⋆｡°✩ Movies!

Hello everyone!! My blog now has all my previous movie reviews up, in depth and one-liners! These are all of my reviews I've ever written on Letterboxd, transferred to my blog.

So if you ever wondered what I though about movies like Obsession, Pearl, or others, you can now read them either here on my movie page (navigation at the top of my blog) or on my Letterboxd!

. ݁₊⊹.📽 Movie Review: Marie Antionette (2006)

Marie Antionette (2006)

˖ ࣪⊹๋࣭ ⭑ Genre: history, drama

4 / 5 ★★★★☆

Half of the movie is Marie tryna crack and Louis is so hyperfixated on keys, he could only actually do it if someone explained sex with lock and key metaphors. This movie does a wonderful job with its costuming and cinematography. I found the party and casual conversation parts interesting too, some may complain that they're empty words and I would agree, but I'd also say that it's extremely fitting in a setting like this, as opposed to how it would bring just about any other movie down. Rich people talking but really saying nothing at all. For that, I rate this slightly higher than the 3 1/2 that I was originally going to give it.

Tags: 𖤐⭒๋࣭ ⭑ myself

. ݁₊⊹.📽 Gossip Girl rant

So I recently started watching Gossip Girl for the first time, and let me tell you, I don't think a single show has ever, at any point in time, irritated me consistently like this show has. I will be getting into spoiler territory, if you haven't and plan to see it in the future.

And this isn't me hating the show, if I hated it, I wouldn't be choosing to continue watching it. I'm halfway through season 2, and my gosh. I have to hand it to this show, they are constantly coming up with new reasons and situations to piss me off.

 ⋆ ♫｡ Song of the Week ˚♬ ﾟ⋆

No. 1 Party Anthem 

- Arctic Monkeys

Listed as the 6th song on the album, AM by Arctic Monkeys, No. 1 Party Anthem is described as an outlier amongst its surrounding songs. A bittersweet ballad, a contrast against the your typical "party anthem" known for being upbeat.

No. 1 Party Anthem describes a lack of confidence, putting on a front, and a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions in one night, all taking place in a bar.

" Call off the search for your soul, or put it on hold again " 

We're giving up on the search for the right one, a soulmate. Whether just for the night, or longer, we're not here for the purpose of finding someone long term. It seems we're well versed in one-night stands.

" As all the signals are sent, her eyes invite you to approach

And it seems as though those lumps in your throat

That you just swallowed have got you going 

Come on, come on, come on

Number one party anthem "

Here we are gathering the courage to approach a woman at this bar, a lump in our throat from nerves. Perhaps we took some sort of substance prior to this? We all know what "liquid confidence" is, after all. All the while, waiting, praying, for anything else to give us that extra push. A party anthem, sure to give anyone a boost of energy and motivation. 

" It's not like I'm falling in love I just want you to do me no good

And you look like you could "

My personal favorite lines there, sometimes we want something we know we shouldn't have. Sometimes we are drawn to signs of danger, sometimes that is all we know. Some seek it out, even if we are not conscious of it.

" The look of love - the rush of blood

The "She's with me" 's - the Gallic shrug "

Despite telling ourselves we shouldn't, it will never happen, we've quickly fallen in love. Or at least we think we have. And as quickly as we fell, the impact was harsher than we hoped. This girl is taken. We shrug it off. Is it an apologetic "I didn't know" or a dismissive "not my concern"? 

No 1. Party Anthem is all sorts bittersweet and melancholic, its irony residing not just in the title, but it's lyrics as well. This isn't a party anthem, nor did the anticipated party anthem ever play in its bar. We told ourselves we were done searching for "the one," we weren't falling in love. We're only expecting a one-night fling, pushing away that feeling of wanting more than that. And the one we thought we liked just maybe wasn't meant for us to begin with. Will the search continue? Or will this cycle continue?

. ݁₊⊹.📽 Movie Review: Hairspray (1988)

Hairspray (1988)

˖ ࣪⊹๋࣭ ⭑ Genre: romance, comedy, musical

 4 / 5 ★★★★☆

" Integration is no laughing matter! "

White people are always taking from black culture, whilst excluding them from partaking in their own creations. We see it in music, dance, even their language and speaking patterns. Past and unfortunately even the present day, progress is made, some things stay the same, we go forward and backwards as a society. 

" It's the times. They are a changing. Something's blowin' in the wind... " 

A mix of fun dance, and a pg introduction to racism and segregation, Hairspray does a great job at showing the world for what it is, what you see on TV doesn't always tell the full story. We see that in the "riot" scene, where nobody points out it was a white person who threw an explosive into the crowd of peaceful black protestors.

At the same time, offering absurd humor in the performances and lines, giving us the following: 

" Our souls are black, even though our skin is white! "

Tags: 𖤐⭒๋࣭ ⭑ myself , ★*.𖦹 rewatch , 𓇳⭒｡˚↺ dvd

. ݁₊⊹.📽 Movie Review: Girl, Interrupted (1999)

Girl, Interrupted (1999)

˖ ࣪⊹๋࣭ ⭑ Genre: drama

3.5 / 5 ★★★⯪☆

" Peppermint dick!!! Peppermint clit!!!!! " 

The cat leading Susanna towards the proper door was probably one of the saddest things I've ever seen. Dorothy's return home encouragement scene was also a nice touch I think, reflecting back Susanna's own realization of what it takes to recover and how far she's managed to bring herself.

Tags: 𖤐⭒๋࣭ ⭑ myself

⋆｡°✩ Journaling

I love journaling!! It's a hobby I picked up around December of 2024, and one I've picked back up this whole year. A hobby that doesn't require too much of me, and one that has honestly helped me to acknowledge rough patches and work through them. As well as recall the good moments and cherish them a little more deeply.

I like to start a new journal with an "about me" spread. I include a picture of myself, in this case a selfie, an outfit pic, and my favorite pic of myself from when I was a child.

I include my name, birthday, zodiac sign, sexuality, gender, pronouns, and state.

Then I list off my likes and hobbies on the left. On the right, I list my top 6-8 favorites, music artists, movies, television shows, and games!

I journal about nothing specific exactly. I write about my days, if I did something a bit new for a change, I will write about it. If I go out of town, I will recall my travels. 

Every month, I dedicate a page to my monthly song repeats, as I have mentioned previously. I jot down little lists on pages. (I currently have a "bedroom upgrades" list to refer to in the future). 

In my second journal, I dedicate it to media. In it, I write down my reviews for first-time watches of movies. I do so as well for albums!

For albums, I write the title on top, and list the artist, release date, tracklist, review, and overall rating. I also rate each individual song, out of 5 stars. 

And for the movies, I write the title, director, runtime, genre, watch date, release date, review, and rating out of 5 stars. 

Usually, I try to take notes on a separate piece of scratch paper, though this is not mandatory at all. I find, personally, it helps me keep track of my thought process throughout the movie, as well as little details to remember or take into consideration.

Sometimes I write my full review down in my journal, and then log it and copy it to my letterboxd. Sometimes I write it on letterboxd first, and then transfer it to my journal. 

In the back of my media journal, I like to write down lyrics from songs I like. Mostly, my favorite lyrics and lyrics that speak to me personally.

Here, I wrote down some lyrics to the song Better in the Dark by Jordana and TV girl, as well as the quote that was sampled at the end of the song. 

These are my two journals. The strawberry one is my life/personal journal, it was found at Target. And my media journal is the Kiki's Delivery Service, gifted to me by my sister a few years ago. I unfortnuately do not know where this one was purchased.

I highly recommend journaling! It doesn't need to be anything fancy, I see a lot of journaling pictures and videos online where it all just looks so neat and perfect. But all you really need is paper, a pen, and yourself. Write about anything, your day, your dreams, your vents, poems, movie reviews, song lists, grocery lists, your plans and goals for the future. Anything! 

. ݁₊⊹.📽 Movie Review: Priscilla (2023)

Priscilla (2023)

˖ ࣪⊹๋࣭ ⭑ Genre: drama, romance, unsettling

4 / 5 ★★★★☆

" If I stay, I'll never leave... " 

Amidst the illusions of "true romance," beginning through the lenses of an adolescent girl getting the attention every girl dreams of from her idol, continuing into public appearances of "perfection" to strive to achieve, I can appreciate the little cracks in this facade sprinkled about surrounding the dreamy montages. What everyone sees as a love story, only in actuality it being a lack of self, seclusion, control, and belittlement. The withdrawal of a predator once he has realized the child he trapped for so long finally wants freedom, not to just silently accept mistreatment.

Tags: 𖤐⭒๋࣭ ⭑ myself

⋆｡°✩ Will It Ever Stop?

How do I stop missing someone I shouldn't miss at all? How does one recover from the harm brought upon them from the person they thought they could trust? 

I want to stop remembering it all. The good times, the bad times. I just want it all gone. I wish it never happened. I wish there was nothing to remember. How do I stop missing the way they treated me, when I know I shouldn't? 

I feel like a repeatedly go through this pattern of remembering a few of the good times, the way I was treated in a special way. A way that I'd been longing for my whole life, finally I was receiving it. And then I remember that the whole situation was wrong, and I remember the wrong things that happened, that were said to me. 

I feel like no matter how much I cry over it, it will always be with me. Within me. It's there all the time, that dread. The ache. I miss how I was treated, I hate how I was treated. I want that treatment again, but I want it differently but still the same. 

I know I will continue to seek that feeling, that twisted sort of attention. I shouldn't want it, I know it will only make me feel worse in the end. I know it's going to be a cycle I perpetuate, I hate it. I can't seem to stop it from happening.

I want it gone, completely. I want to stop remembering it, that person. 

I just wish it never happened at all.

⋆｡°✩ Psst!

BTW everyone, at the bottom of my blog, I have a section dedicated to every blog I follow. So if you're wanting to find some more cool blogs, it's all there for your access! <3

 ⋆ ♫｡ Song of the Week ˚♬ ﾟ⋆

About Me - Esha Tewari

Esha Tewari is an Australian singer-songwriter, making indie-bedroom pop music. I recently discovered her EP "What Makes a Girl a Girl" whilst on my rare listening of a random playlist made by a person I don't know.

I immediately fell in love with this EP, and listened to a few of her other songs, which I also found myself enjoying. But my favorite, and the focus of my first Song of the Week post, would have to be the third song off the EP, About Me.

I feel this one in a deeply personal way, different parts of the lyrics speaking relatability in their own ways. No doubt a bit different than how Esha Tewari meant and felt them, but that's part of the beauty of all art forms. Their interpretations, and how they speak to each interpreter.

" Don't look at me in the eye

 Don't try to read my mind "

" Pushing all your buttons tryna find something I can call out

Have a reason to hate you, to hate you and

I spent all my summers tearing up pictures of you

Ripping out your eyes

Tried to forget it

So I shut my mouth and kept it quiet "

" I truly hope you win the war

You keep a secret

I'm done guessing what it's for

What, is it about me?

. . .

I know that it's about me

. . .

I hope that it's about me "

I've found myself in a situation in which I was looking for a reason to leave. As awful as it was, how it felt, in my head it was "I can't drop this and leave unless something big happens, unless something bad happens that was inexcusable." 

I had such little self respect for myself, talking myself out of ending things, I felt I could only do it if that person did something bad to another person. And then it happened, I finally had an excuse to call it off. Something that provided a quick explanation, one that wouldn't earn questions of "well do you regret it?" One that would only prompt a, "that's good you don't associate with a person like that."

I've spent my summer, and my last fall, winter, and spring, lamenting. The person I thought I knew, the good times that were now twisted when I look back. I look back at old messages, old memories, the letters. I push them away, I don't speak about them to my friends anymore. It's easier to avoid the discussion of what happened. They already know what went down, I'm the only one who was directly affected and harmed. 

I feel this song on both ends. I've had that person seemingly attempt to "fix" me, to tell me that something was wrong for me when I didn't want to acknowledge it. Or even when there wasn't anything wrong in that moment. I internally kept note of everything that was done, each let-down, each word of dismissal or indifference, each "oh but I'm sure he doesn't mean it that way." A piling number of reasons to hate, making that person question if i was mad about him. And my own questions of if it was about me.

I hated and I needed at the same time. And I hated that I needed. 

Now, I look back at everything, with a new sort of feeling of loss. And a new anger, a new hatred. Today, I look back at the letters, and that petty side of me wants him to hurt like I did. But worse. From afar, I hope that every low he feels is because of what happened. I want him to feel that weight on his shoulders, I want it to never let up. 

I hope that it's about me.