⋆｡°✩ A Year

TW: venting (obvi), grooming (not explicitly stated, but yknow)

So it's been a year since he went to jail, the 12th of August marks that. And maybe that's why I have been thinking about it all lately. I mean, not that I just forget or never think about it. Because I do, everyday. I'm reminded of it everyday, in some shape or form. It just doesn't leave me. I don't think I won't think about it for a long time. 

It's like the emptiness I felt last year, when I hadn't heard from him since the 11th is just stuck i n my body. It's weird how trauma can do that to you, how your body holds and remembers that ache. I felt awful this time last year, not knowing the truth of what happened. And so I feel awful again now, this year later, in a different kind of worse way. Because I know the full context this year. I know why he suddenly disappeared on me. I know why he s in jail, and that is what makes it worse. I know now how awful he was, still is, and yet it feels like I still miss. 

My body has held on to the horrible emptiness that was so dependent on him to fill and replace. It doesn't matter if in my mind, I know better. My body has returned to its hopeless, lack of self respect.

 At least I have some spec of self preservation, or that my mind controls my actions more than my body does. This time around, that is. I can't say I had much of that in the earlier months of this year, havening opened that gateway for him to have been sending me letters, from within his cell. It was stupid of me, I know but I needed some sort of answer, Some confirmation, some closure. 

And I got it, yes, after his first few letters. I sent my letter, expressing my anger and hate. Of course, that got to him after he had sent that one letter. The one in a pink envelope, in a pink pen, a pink stamp. My favorite color. 

Why? Why me? 

He had told me before about the girls my age that would try to pursue his attention, and how he would turn them down. So why did he latch on to me? I suppose I know the answer, to some extent. Maybe I'm just more easy than I thought, think. Maybe it was me that latched on so quickly, and he saw that.

" I suppose I just wanted the attention "

Some sort, a kind I didn't realize. And he offered that, and my self respect was so low, I took it. And I'm sure he knew that, maybe that's what he liked. That I would take it and return to him. 

Maybe he won in the end, I'm still thinking about it. About him. About the attention he gave me. That something deep within me misses it, wants it again, even though I know it's wrong. I think I'm stronger than I actually am, about a lot of things. I act like nothing bothers me, like I'm desensitized to the mistreatment that has been delivered to me. 

But in reality, I'm actually pretty weak. And I'm sure he knew that, I know he did. He would try to pry it out of me, get me to tell him what was wrong. He wanted me to rely on him to fix me up, to make me better again. 

And he succeeded, I relied on him. My mood relied on whether I received his attention, I would have massive mood swings for the whole year I knew him. Even now, I still cry over it all. I can't believe how much he has ruined me, it lingers. It sticks. I can't make it go away. And I know I'm only going to continue to hurt and ache over it all. The more I try not to , I'm still putting my focus into thinking about it. 

" Baby, you have to forget and I have to move on "

I wish I could just let it go and move on.